Sleeping with enemies
by some tulip girl
Summary: A sleeping with the enemy parody staring Vincent, and the many lovers fan fic writers pair him with. I dare ya to R and R my first fic!


Okay the necessary disclaimer thing. As much as I want to, I don't own a thing except this fic! Also two side notes. I'm fully aware Sleeping with the enemy was a book before they made the movie. I haven't read the book, but I've seen the movie. So blame the movie, not me for being inaccurate! Finally, I purposely didn't follow the final fantasy seven map. So don't me ask how the people got there so fast.

Sleeping with enemies

by some tulip girl

Some where in Costa Del Sol, Vincent was angrily kneeling on the beach. He was trying to gather oysters and dodge beach balls at the same time.

"Damn Hojo for making me ruin my crimson cape and black pants with this wet sand. Ow! Besides where did all these people come from? I thought he said he owned this beach privately." Vincent muttered, while rubbing his head from another hit caused by a ball.

"Oh Vincent I'm glad I found you." Hojo said walking up to Vincent.

"You were the one who told me to go here." Vincent sulked.

"Doesn't matter I don't feel like oysters anymore anyway. Hope you didn't get your cape to dirty." Hojo smirked.

"I have a spare, and I can clean this one." Vincent sighed.

"Oh by the way my lovely lab rat, I met a strange psychic cat, and his stuft animal. He offered to take us sailing tonight." Hojo gleamed.

"But don't you remember the night before I met you, I almost drowned! As well as, I don't know how to swim!" Vincent pleaded.

"Remember what now? Well I guess that would explain why you only take short showers, and refuse to get in the hot tub with me." Hojo pondered.

"That's not the only reason." Vincent quietly shivered.

"None the less tantalizing test subject tonight we go sailing. Or I'll give you another surgery scar!" Hojo yelled!

"Sailing it is. But let me change my cape and pants." Vincent replied.

"Why don't I help you." Hojo leered.

Vincent's only answer was a whimper, as Hojo helped him up. Hojo then squeezed him in a tight embrace and started kissing him. Vincent was about to pull back, but Hojo pressed a small dagger against him.

A short while later, Hojo and Vincent walked out of an elaborate beach house. Hojo wore swim trunks even more embarrassing then some tulip girl's dad. They were a blinding neon green, decorated with pink flamingos and candy canes. He also had on a fading yellow tank top that read "Zazz"! Vincent had on his usual black pants, shirt, and glove. Along with his now sand free cape. The only way you could tell Vincent was ready for the water was his red and black life jacket.

"Are you sure it's safe Hoho, I mean Hojo." Vincent shook all over as he said that.

"Of course my gorgeous guinea pig! That hurricane warning was a bluff! Besides a little rain never hurt any sailing trip." Hojo explained.

"Hi there you must Vincent Van Gogh!" A black cat said popping out of nowhere.

"Actually I'm Vincent Valentine. You're Ms. Cleo Sith right?" Vincent answered.

"Oh my no! I'm Cait Sith! Would you like a free tarot card reading when we start sailing?" Cait Sith replied, as he bounced up a down.

"There won't be anytime for my little elegant experiment." Hojo grinned as Vincent winced.

"Anyway let's board my safest vessel. The Titanico!" Cait Sith yelled!

Titanico was actually just a plain patch ridden orange raft. There was however, a rusted flare gun, and a pack of tarot cards autographed by Michael Bolton. Vincent shivered at the mere sight of them. So the trio set sail (more like rafting) into the deep ocean. The waves turned sharply as the three held on tightly to the raft. Well actually Cait Sith and Vincent held on tightly to the raft. Hojo was hugging the hell out of Vincent. Vincent's poor lungs were collapsing. But just then Cait Sith's cards fell out of the raft!

"My babies!" Cait Sith wailed!

Cait Sith tried to jump off the raft! But Hojo quickly grabbed his tail. He tried desperately to pull him back in!

"You stupid cat! What did you think you were doing!" Hojo screamed, as he started slapping Cait Sith!

"But now your baby Valentine fell off!" Cait Sith sobbed.

"What?!" Hojo screeched!

Both the cat and mad scientist began looking around the raft. But they couldn't find poor Vincent. They found nothing but Vincent's life jacket. Sadly Hojo rebounded by marring Cait Sith, the next day.

However! Vincent wasn't really dead! Instead of his job at the gun shop, he had been at the YMCA, learning to swim. As well as meet some annoying singers who liked the navy a little to much. While Cait Sith and Hojo were searching the waters, Vincent swam back to the beach house. He grabbed a black suitcase decorated with red bats from the closet. Then ran into the bathroom. Vincent was about to cut his hair when he remembered the bishonen rules. Instead he nervously wrapped his hair in a red bandanna to cover some of it. He sighed looking at his dead give away golden arm. He then shrugged remembering despite Hojo being a scientist he had an I.Q of negative three.

He happily boarded the Shinra Bus knowing he was finally free. After an hour however, Vincent sighed. He was starving. After hearing his stomach growl, the person sitting one seat in ahead of him woke up.

"Hi there want an apple." She said offering him an apple as green as her eyes.

She was wearing a tight pale pink dress that had slits up to her thighs. The top of the dress led little to the imagination. With a clinging red jacket. Along with unmatching brown go-go boots. She also had big ribbon tying her hair in a braid.

"Thanks." Vincent slowly grabbed the apple. It had a strange mako glow to it.

"Nice to meet you. Why are you traveling so far?" She said cheerfully.

"I was visiting a friend. He finally left his sicko spouse. My poor friend used to get beat and experimented on, all the time." Vincent shuddered.

"Oh that's to bad. So what's your name?" She blushed.

"It's Vincent, I mean, oh well you don't know Hojo anyway. What's your name kind old lady?" Vincent sighed.

"Old lady!?" She screamed!

"Well you have gray hair." Vincent answered.

"Not only am I not old, but I'm not a lady!" The still feminine voice yelled.

The old girl spun around like Taz. When he/she was done, the old lady turned out to be none other than Sephiroth!

"I am the great Sephiroth! Ha! My disguise fooled you all!" Sephiroth shouted to all the bus riders who didn't care.

"Wow Stephanie Roth, I didn't know you dressed in drag." Vincent said dumbfounded.

Sephiroth than pounced onto Vincent's lap. He playfully winded Vincent's hair with his finger.

"There's a lot you don't know about me." Sephiroth seductively whispered.

"Ahh! Get off of me! Don't realize that I was with your father! I'm not into incest you know!" Vincent yelled pushing Sephiroth off of him!

"Hojo's not my father! Jenova is!" Sephiroth explained.

"I thought she was your mother?" Vincent asked.

"No, Lucreia is my mom!" Sephiroth clarified.

"But she and he, they, never mind!" Vincent said.

Vincent than ran out of the moving bus. He left Sephiroth there, explaining to people who didn't even care who his parents were. 

Poor little Vincent without his suitcase starting his long walk. He sadly gave up after an impressive ten miles. He sat down on a rock, and started crying. How would he ever get away from the evil Hojo. Just then a red convertible pulled up next to him. Vincent rubbed his eyes to get a closer look at the driver. It looked like a yellow chocobo wearing a purple outfit.

"Wark! I mean hi there my name's Cloud. What's your name foxy lady." Cloud leered.

"Actually I'm Mr. Vincent Valentine." Vincent corrected.

"So you want a ride my funny Valentine." Cloud winked.

"Oh like I haven't heard that one a hundred times. But yes I need a ride." Vincent replied.

Cloud patted the passenger seat next to him. Vincent forced a smile and jumped in. The road was bumpy. So every chance Cloud got he would put his hand on Vincent's chest. This made Vincent uneasy, but he desperately needed a ride.

"So what do you think of my buggy?" Cloud smirked.

"Your what?" Vincent inquired.

"My buggy, my car." Cloud gleamed.

"Why do you call it a buggy? It's not a Volkswagen." Vincent still didn't understand.

"Why am I hitting on you while I have Tifa and Aeris? Why is it called a buggy? No one knows such things." Cloud questioned.

After saying that Cloud pulled over. He wrapped his arms around Vincent and started kissing him passionately. Vincent pulled away and shrieked. He shot Cloud with his Death Penalty, and ran screaming into the night. While running he bumped into Aeris. As she lifted her arms up to hug him, he shot her. 

"Nice try Sephiroth!" Vincent maniacally laughed.

Vincent began to sob again. Why was everyone so nice to him? Why did they all love him so? He wanted a partner who wouldn't mutter sweet nothings, who wouldn't sing sonnets, read poems. Just somebody who would buy him his birthday gift the day before. He wanted a lover who was tough but not abusive. He preferred to be the sweet one in the relationship. 

Smoke then drifted in the air. It smelled like someone was roasting marshmallows and hot dogs. Vincent happily followed the smell. He noticed a huge wooden sign that read "Camp Cosmo Canyon".

"Simba ya my lord Simba ya. Someone's lion king my lord Simba ya." Some Red Xlll cub looking things sang.

"Um excuse me I don't mean to interrupt your sing-a-long, but does anyone know where I could find a pay phone? I need to call a taxi." Vincent sighed.

"Welcome stranger, friends call me Nanaki." A full grown Red Xlll thing said.

"I'm Vincent, so do you have a phone." Vincent asked again.

"I have something even better!" Nanaki exclaimed!

"Really? Like what? You have a car you can lend me?" Vincent grinned.

"Me!" Tifa squealed as she took off the Nanaki costume!

Vincent gave a girlish scream while running away from silicone valley! He accidentally ran into the road, and a car almost hit him. The car pulled over and out walked out a tall man with long red hair and blue eyes.

"Are you okay?" The man said.

"I think so." Vincent rubbed his head.

"Name's Reno, what's yours friend?" Reno smiled.

"It's Vincent, could you give me a ride somewhere." Vincent shuddered. He prayed that Reno wouldn't make a pass at him. This had been the night from hell!

To Vincent's surprise, Reno opened the back door. Vincent carefully walked in, noticing a bald man sitting up front. The bald man introduced him self as Rude. While Reno just seated himself in the driver's seat. As they took off Rude started to say something.

"My dearest angel so sweet. The most beautiful heavenly object of my desire." Rude enticingly said.

Vincent gulped. He was about to run out of the car until Reno spoke.

"Rude stop. You're going to make me almost hit something again." Reno blushed.

"You know if want, I can drive and you two can sit over here." Vincent couldn't suppress his laughter.

"Really? Thanks." Reno chimed. 

They pulled over and Vincent went in the driver's seat, while Reno and Rude went in the back. Vincent drove while Reno and Rude started a make out session. Vincent glanced at the clock in the car, and couldn't believe it.

"Wow do you guys realize it's two in the morning! Make's me wonder what those campers were doing there." Vincent announced.

"Oh honey bunch, we should be in bed." Rude cooed.

"Yeah it's probably not good for the baby. I'm three months you know." Reno glared at Vincent.

"But you're a guy. I mean, oh never mind." Vincent stopped remembering what Sephiroth said.

"He doesn't show at all huh? Rude smirked.

"So do you know what it is yet?" Vincent smiled.

"We're having a little boy. We picked out the name Mean Las Vegas." Reno grinned

"Cute. Sort of a pun of your names. Well here's Rocket Town. I guess I can settle here. Thanks guys it was nice meeting you." Vincent cheerfully replied. It was nice to finally meet some people who just wanted to be friends.

Vincent stopped the car. Mama Reno and Daddy Rude switched places with Vincent. They gave him there cell phone numbers, and told him to call anytime. Vincent agreed, and waved as they drove off.

He walked over to the only Inn in the town. Vincent sadly sighed after reading the buzzing "No Vacancy" sign. He was about to give up, until he heard yelling.

"What the hell? That's it! You bitch! Get out of my house! What the hell is with all these wedding invitations!" A loud voice yelled.

"Cid there're for our wedding." Another voice answered.

"What wedding? I don't even like you Shera! You ruin my dreams, beg to live with me, and then go around telling everybody we're an item! You told my mother you were pregnant with my child! Shera I've never even dated you! Let alone slept with you!" The voice that must be Cid shouted!

"But Cid I know it's late, but I had to you show our invitations now." The voice obviously belonging to Shera said.

That was the last straw. Cid threw Shera over his shoulder. With his free hand he grabbed a handful of her clothes. He then proceeded to walk past Vincent. Cid nudged open the Inn's door. He dropped her and her stuff at the front desk.

"I don't give a damn if this place is full! Tell them to let you sleep in the lobby!" Cid screamed!

As Cid walked back to his house, Vincent ran after him.

"Excuse me Sir." Vincent uttered.

"It's Mr. Highwind to you skinny." Cid replied.

"Right Mr. Highwind. My name is Vincent Valentine. Anyway I was wondering if I could rent a room from you. I don't have any money, but I'd be willing to work for you." Vincent forced another smile.

"Sorry but I have enough incompetent employees." Cid answered.

"No problem! I can offer another service!" Vincent smiled for real this time.

Vincent happily ran back into the hotel. He snatched Shera out and pulled her outside. Before Cid could say anything Vincent shot Shera. Cid's eyes widened, he stared blankly at Vincent for a moment.

"Hell for that you can live here forever!" Cid exclaimed!

After saying that Vincent happily walked in. Cid led him to the guest room, that people probably didn't think he had. Vincent blissfully passed out on the bed. Cid just smiled and walked towards his on room. Cid slept well knowing Shera would never bother him again. While Vincent dozed peacefully knowing he was far enough from Hojo.

In the morning Cid was about to play "A brown eyed girl" to wake Vincent up. But then it dawned on him. Not only were Vincent's eyes red, but Vincent was a guy. Cid shrugged and decided to play "Rocking Robin." But that wasn't what woke Vincent up.

"Damn eggs stop burning!"

"Stupid toast get darker!"

Vincent only smirked. He remembered having to wake up at four in the morning just to prepare Hojo's breakfast. Vincent looked at himself and started to laugh. He was so tired last night he didn't even remove any of his clothes. He followed the cursing and went to the kitchen.

"You know if you want I can cook." Vincent offered.

"You kill a woman I despise and now your saying you can cook! Fuck what can't you do!" Cid chuckled.

Vincent just shrugged. He proved to be the master chef after some how making homemade cereal. 

"Tell you what Vince, you play housekeeper and you get free rent and food." Cid said with his food still in his mouth.

Vincent sighed. He wiped Cid's chin with a napkin. Well at least Cid hasn't tried to take advantage of him.

"Okay I'll stay here." Vincent answered.

Cid was about to say something but he was interrupted. A man just burst into the room! He was wearing a white lab coat, fuzzy black pants, and bright blue shirt.

"Ha ha my blushing cat bride told me you were alive! Yes he told me this morning! He told me this morning while eating waffles! So I will reclaim him as my first wife once again this morning!" Hojo the dork laughed.

"Not so fast Hojo jojo!" Cid said a little feminine.

Vincent was shivering all over as Hojo approached him. Cid seeing his housekeeper shiver grabbed Vincent. He held him by the waist and started searching him. Vincent was about cry out thinking he found another admirer. But Cid surprised Vincent by finding his Death Penalty. He pulled it out and shot Hojo dead.

"You killed him." Vincent shook.

"Well no one even thinks of manhandling my guests!" Cid said, as he lit his first cigarette in this whole fic.

"No one." Vincent glared. He liked Cid's aggressive attitude.

"Well I" Cid didn't finish.

Vincent wrapped his arms around the pilot. Cid smiled and spit out his cigarette. For a second he just stared at him. Vincent slowly started to kiss Cid. But Cid pull back. Vincent was about to apologize, when Cid picked him up. He carried Vincent to his room and dropped him on the bed. Before Vincent could say or do anything, Cid tackled him. He pressed hard against the frail vampire looking man, and gave him a long tender kiss. When they finally broke away for air Cid started kissing Vincent's neck.

"That's how you kiss someone." Cid said between kisses.

As clothing started to be removed the bedroom door burst open. Yuffie happily bounced near the smooching couple.

"Vinny honey your love goddess is here!" She screeched!

Vincent screamed and clung to Cid. Cid angrily pushed him off. He walked to the bedroom closet and took out his Venus Gospel. He impaled Yuffie with it and jumped back on Vincent.

"So can make love with a corpse in the room?" Cid leered.

"Always a first time for everything." Vincent grinned.

The remainder of clothing was removed. But before this story turned lemony fresh it centered else where.

"Ooh honey look!" Reno gleamed holding a child sized suit.

"I think I found the matching sunglasses." Rude smiled.

Reno and Rude were happily clothes shopping for little Mean Las Vegas. While the happy couple shopped; Barret walked by shoping for Marlene. (Hey he had to be in this fic somewhere!)

The End!

Well if you want a sequel just send a lot of good reviews! If it was that bad I'll write something a bit more original.


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